Now my life’s been all scattered, since she’s been gone

I feel older, not fatter, I feel the blues coming on. In the end? what will it matter- there will my ashes to scatter. No, not ‘contemplating anything. Honest.

Matt, pretty sure he’s coming home in June. Wants me to fly out and help him drive his car back. I sure wouldnt mind doing it. but the money woes, i am not sure where he “is” on his money, and i dont really want to ask. He leaves for Iraq in August. I am tryin to get my game face on for this, and not doing terribly well at it. He seems confident that he will be alright- seeing as they just came out of the “sand box” at NTC. He says they did pretty well. Pretty much everyone knows what they are supposed to be doing.

    More thoughts on housing, if i ever get to leave here.  My thoughts are: i sure dont require much room. So a “big” house wouldnt hold any intrest for me. I have been scouting the “micro’ and mini houses- the size would sure work. I am amazed what fits into 800 s.f. if you do it right.  Another option i’ve tossed about is an Albin 27. Center cockpit, diesel. This one gets ALOT of flack though, with the M.S. and all. Nobody seems to think its a good idea for a wobbly bald guy to live, for the foreseeable future- alone on a boat for some reason. Like i might wobble off or something.  Now i do realize that “boat” just means – break out another thousand- so on the fixed income- that MAY not work.  Another option might be a motor home. I look at 35 class A’s, and C’s.. something big enough that IF i were to acquire a ‘shotgun’…if we was mad- you could get at least a door between us.  Not like the studio apt. that Lynn and i had: if you were arguing, you could hide in the bathroom, or the walk in closet, or you went outside.

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Well, that bites.

Checked on one of my “possible living arraignments” today, it wont work.
They are ‘floating’ homes in Lake Erie. Well, to my way of thinking- they arent homes. You cant live in them year round. In fact, they havent been able to “un winterize” for lack of better term,an the young lady answering my questions, got just a bit huffy when i told her: “down heah in da souf- we’uns is already working on phase 2 of the tanning season”.
This is also the week of “bin laden’. and the shots heard round the world. ok, we got him. could we move on? It HAD to be done. Ok its done. Its put my son a bit more in harms way, thats the way i see it. I am proud it was the SEALS though. And NOBODY got ‘left behind’ and nobody nok is seein a captain or a chaplain knocking on their door, regretting to inform them that….
I am kinda giving props to the Pres. too. He could of ‘droned’ him, or put a ‘cruise missile air conditioner” in his room-but knew the SEALS would do the job and be able to CONFIRM.
I saw a quote from M.L.K. on someones face book, that nailed it. something about hate… i cant even come close to quoting it, but it says how i pretty much feel.

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Dr, Dr, Mister Md?

Can you tell me, whats ailing me?
Taking stock of this year, bump wise. I have to look back on this year as having a FULL bump card. I do believe i’ve cracked/fractured my tailbone at least twice this year, and am living through i believe my 3rd, or maybe 4th concussion as we speak. I dont play football. I just smack my melon alot.
Today’s bash of the head was at the gas station. Somehow i launched UP instead of OUT the car door and took the door jam crease to the top of the head. Knocked me to my knees, then to hands an knees. Saw stars, really wanted to be ill right then an there, but hadnt had breakfast yet. Plus that NASTY metallic taste at the back of your tongue. The lady at store wanted to 911 me. I thanked her an declined, pumped my gas and hauled my ass. home.    I called my neuro guy, he’s LESS than thrilled, and out of town-tole me to head for emerg. room. I went to the couch instead.
If i still feel like this tomorrow, i may go, but i dont want to start a “tab’ that i cant pay at some hospital.
oh oh ! i feel the first couple lines of a country song coming on!
I lead the league in: ass bashins, melon smashins, and fallin flat on my ugly face. Watch me wobble, take bets on, how far before i fall. I thought i had more than this. I am feelin puny again. Perhaps more later.
Well the rest of the story follows:
about 7p. last night, i realized that i’d slept 13 hours, still wantin to toss cookies and a ferocious pain over my left ear.
sooo. i called the rescue squad, my INTENT was just to ask questions, an see if i SHOULD head for emerg. room. The lady said “stay RIGHT where you are at, we coming for you.
They thought i was nuts when i informed them they wouldnt be able to reach my house with the ambulance, and i would meet them at the end of my street. “we can get anyplace” they said. Well the LAST time they said that, they about poked the light bar off the top of the truck with one of my MANY orange trees. I was just tryin to avoid that.
So my neighbor and i drove my car to the end of the road and waited. And waited. And were starting to wait MORE, when my phone rings. Its rescue, and they cant find me.
“Thats because they havent come DOWN to the BOTTOM of the street like i told u clowns”. Sorry, i was groggy, and in pain.
They found me eventually.
Because i had “hit my head”, the first thing they do is strap a cervical collar on me. Well AFTER they dug into their box o stuff, and found the CHILD sized one. then? They assist me onto the BACK board. then on to the gurney. The whole time they are trying to strap me to the back board, they are bitchin because MOST the straps-dont strap. That gave me visions of slidin off the sucker at the sharp left turn 2 miles up the road i’ll tell ya.
They load me up in the COLD back o da box. I have never figured out why anything medical, also has to be cold, but leavin that alone.
They plug me into various pieces of equipment, then start talking saline drips an stuff.
“stop right there please” i managed to speak up..”last time someone did a ‘rolling stick’ on me-i hadda have it redone in o.r.. can we hold off on THAT till i’m not a movin target”?
The gentleman that he was, consented after bustin a gut laughin.
I also learned something that night. I have a f.d. 5.2 miles up the road. THAT was the one that i thought would be fetching me. Oh no.
they dont ‘service’ that area. the one thats 17.4 miles away is YOUR ambulance.
We roll in an back up. Good thinkin to the person that built the “back up stopping curbs. She DOCKWHOLLOPED that thing. Enough to slide mr. medtech 2 feet down his bench seat.
I guess when you ‘roll’ in strapped to a backboard, sporting a cervical collar: you pretty much get ‘head of the line privileges, because they hadnt cleared the door before someone was pointin to exam 6. They didnt move me OFF the hard back board: just moved the board itself.
Its here i’ll point out. I am ‘somewhat slight of stature’. Not alot of extra padding ANYplace on me.” So after about 30 minutes-my tail bone informs me that its startin to really HURT, and would like to get off this hard wood. I axed the nurse, nope,” since you fell an hit you’re head” Lotta silly rules when ya fall an hit your head i think. So i removed my skully and maneuvered it twixt my poor t-bone and the wood.
I believe it was here that i talked them out of another saline stick, parts of the timeline ARE a bit blurry. But i only took ONE needle during the whole time i am proud to report.
A c.a.t. scan, and a chest x-ray later i am ‘resting’, and dr. rolls in.
“dude-yes you’re concussed, or i guess i should say re-concussed your head. Not REAL badly, but enough. You’ve GOT to start watching what you’re doing!!”.
I got pain meds, anti puking stuff called ZOFRAN. which i immediately worked into “dont mess with the zofran” and have been using it liberally in an about the medical community. You have to work the medical community HARD, its a pretty tough crowd.
I believe this puts us to Thursday 16th. The dr appt with neuro.
Are Drs allowed to spank you if you dont come to see them if you pull a door into your face? This one sure wanted to.
“I am being verrrry unhappy to you mr john! How i am being able to help you when you hurt your head much again, and dont being tell me”?
” I am thinking you’re falling down has much to do with hole in your neck, i am thinking you may be wanting to be fixing that mr john.”
a conundrum.
I have NEVER heard of any cutting on any spine, that really worked. ever.
Thats when i went into ‘fiscal responsibility mode”.
“Doc, sumpin like that has to cost BIG coin, hundreds of thousands of dollars. I dont have that layin around.”

“but mr. john, you have social security-they pay for it”.
That attitude about makes me wanna puke.
Not even from this country,and working the system for fiscal benefit.
so i retorted.
“doc? if i aint paying for it- you and ‘merika is: I dont believe that is right, payin for my abuse of my body”.
him: but you worked and payed in.

me: not to the tune we are talkin about, so someone else is footin the bill.

him: you’re health should concern you more mr john. why do you care if someone else pays?

me: BECAUSE IN AMERICA:”WE’UNS try NOT to do it like that, you……………………………………………………………………………
fill in your own words.

him; MR JOHN!!!!,

we went on snarling about that, healthcare and insurance in general. I dont believe i am going to budge on this neck thing tho.

This brings us to Fri. night.
I had been fighting of a case of bronchitis for a week or so, but i thing it got the upper hand when i knocked the computer offline. I’ve been barking and wheezing etc. Well Fri. eve. i just EXPLODED into a fit. Just out of nowhere, zero to choking cough @ 1.2 seconds. I was so hard at it i pulled a rib cage muscle-really badly.
so i ‘I-gor- ed ( you know: walk this way)? to next neighbors house bent at about 75 degrees from vertical, and twisted 10 degrees of true. i was a mess.
I was in the process of asking them to maybe drive me to e.r. when i hear one of em: “he was there 2 nights ago, with concussion-now hes pulled something an twisted like a pretzel”.
OH HELL, she’s narkin me out to rescue!!.
I’m tryin to shush her, well it looked more like i was tryin to tell her feet to shush, couldnt look up…and she says- they on the way.
You should have seen them tryin to figure best way to get me on the gurney. “turn him this way and and raise his feet” Marx brother stuff. NO backboard this time!!. Or collar.
We roll in, same triage nurse, and MOST the same people i had entertained the other evening, so we all had a semi reunion there at the desk till they rolled me into a room.
I feel the rest of it is: bla bla bla, yada yada: EXCEPT… They got a needle into me this time. They were tricky about it i’ll tell you-
they bribed me.
” If you want this Valium to relax the muscle, you gotta let us shoot you with a light load of demerol.
I was hurtin so bad, i agreed.
Since i had no car, or ride: called a cab.
tis here i will mention. I didnt have my wallet with me the whole time.
I was rushed outta there so fast i didnt even have chance to grab it.
I get in touch with cab, and explained the no wallet to him, he reluctantly agreed since i had mentioned it straight away.
He motors me 26.22 to my house. I run in grab the card and he runs it. DECLINED.
I may have been full of demerol valium an dr. pepper, but i was thinkin fast on my feet.
“dude” follow me up to the ‘roo (gas station), and i can get the money outta savings. so we did that. i tipped him like 16 bucks, not that i can afford to do that, but he worked with me: an no good deed should go unrewarded. An i drove back to the ranch.
driving on Demerol: different. but got home alive.
Feel Pretty ok today: still a tad groggy at times, appetite coming back though. Sitting up alot more, even walked the property line today.
Health care in america sure presents a scary picture. I am goin to be atleast 2k in the hole, my 20 percent I’m responsible for” and Americas footing the rest. I know: its called insurance, but it just leaves me so , i cant explain it. But thanks to all who are paying my JUST kidding.

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More on the 162.50

Only took a mere 13 minutes to find out HOW to get here to add more to the story, sheesh.
All the above is the musical version to dealing with de gubment. Alot of the error, well ALL the error, quite frankly is on me, and when i goof? i make fun of it.
Wayyy back when: i had filled out the paperwork they periodically send out:’we may have some of your money” commercials, you’ve ALL seen them. Well: i did one evidently. Let me jump in here with this. All through this process. People kept using the phrase: THE ESTATE OF John Barnard: This will figure in at the end.
They found money in my name, and for a “nominal service fee” i could reach nirvana tonite…no no.. wait. Thats Zappa. sorry.
for the nominal service fee, they would get me my coin. An the did. To the tune of 162.50 cents.
This Must have been ‘pre M.S”.. I have no real recollection of doin it? But I musta.
Then i took this check and dropped it in my acct. an was on my merry way. I must have gotten a blurb or something about it: SOMETHING.Because….
The readers digest version is: i filled out paper work and got ANOTHER 162.50… Worked the first time.*had already forgotten i’d done this* An i GOT another 162.50. but this one, i didnt know about because i was couch surfin at the time.
This year, i am rummaging through old paperwork, came across a check for?…….yep.
said THANK YOU JESUS. *Kinda wish he’d (JESUS) would have reminded me> DUMMY!!!!! You ALREADY got this coin!!!. Would have saved me alot of red face, Rose alot of work, and a guy named AL who tried to help me; alot of time.
sorry…got the check, and slammed it on my ONGOIN Dr. Bill. He was happy, i was happy. All GODS chillins were happy. Untill 48 hrs later the 2nd 162.50 bounced higher than a kite.
So i’ve been back an for with this for a while now. I am happy to say, we got it figgered out.

I got in contact with Tallahassee. They turned Rose H. loose on my case.
Folks. Rose H. gets on sumpin? it is GOT!.
I called her earlier today: She was sittin there with chapter an verse of how this thing went down.
I wasn’t sure she was thinkin i was tryin to scam the gubment out of this massive sum: something in her voice was tryin to turn “official” or “mom” on me. So i thought a second or 2. and reached into the bag of “make me laugh” and came out with:
Ok Rose. The way I see this?
I got my money, figured it worked SO well, i went an got ANOTHER check, thats the one that bounced, and i shouldnt have gotten EITHER check, BECAUSE: I’m NOT quite to the :”Estate OF” portion of the show…is this about right Rose? Poor Rose.
She went REAL quiet for 8 seconds, then i heard her trying to choke of a snicker, then she just FELL OUT.
I let her ALMOST get her breath back then pounded her with:
about the first 6 lines of the above song.
After waiting for her to stop crylaughing. “my mascara is pourin down face” comments. we decided that..this COULD be a 30 minute comedy routine.
i kinda made a innuendo remark about scorin her phone number cause she SO took care of this problem AND laughed whilst doin so. She fended that off with ‘i got yours’ on file.
“yea, we gots to save everything so like 20 years from now, we can save our butts for NOT throwing this away.
hmmmm. i wonder if, BECAUSE i jotted down an SENT it.. the Ballad of 162.50 is now a perm. part of Florida History? I’m HONORED!!!

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Here’s the story, sad but true:

(use the song “run around sue”..About the govt, i tried to screw.
I took their money, and ran to town.
An tried to knock another one down.
The second check, they bounced it back. With an ugly note saying: Nice try jack.
we cashed that for you: years gone by,
just like to say it was a good try.
we keeping the money you tried to get.
an accepting your thanks for Rose’s sweat.
Now be gone an bother us no more,
For Rose has shown you the door.
Everything she said, was said in smile.
But be forewarned: you’re NOW ON FILE.
copyrighted 9 Dec. 2010. for use on the Hire the Handicapped Tour.

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All the leaves are brown and the sky is grey.

I hope i live through winter, is all i’m gonna say.
Gee, that’s a scary thing to say. Well, its true.
I sit here in the “late summer – early autumn of my life, wondering HOW MUCH more road i have to go. I know I’ve already passed the road less taken, oh, about 3 miles back. Do i want to turn around and try and find that? Or do i just press on?.
I sure wish i had “St. Helen of Firwood”. That was my mom, to guide my little, well BIG flat feet. I feel so lost. OH SHIT, here come the tears. She got “away” from me oh, lets see, Jeremy is 28, so about 30 years ago. Mom- so many questions i have-and you cant answer!!
I’ve been searching hi and low, and FOUND a major slice of my past, although i MAY regret doing so.
Mom would always find this Christmas candy, called Plantation Jingle bits. They were her “special” present after everything else.
I had been, on and off, tryin to find them since she died.
Well i SCORED. sent off for 5 tins of the candy and risked my master card number once again.
The candy, and the memories, have had me crying for hours at a time. Before anyone goes running for the “Baker Act” net: This can, and i’m here to tell ya, DOES happen to M.S. afflicted.
This kind of embarrassing to tell, an ya’all know how i HATE to embarrass myself in-front of a crowd. Dont’cha? Seriously..
i am afraid my keys will short out with all the saltwater runnin down my face, back later.

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My Daddy always told me, “you’ll be hard working man”.

My Momma she always told me “son, do the best you can”.
Then one day i met with Mitch, who came to me and said:
“Hard work good, hard work fine, but first take care of head”.
I knew you were goin to say that.
Well, The pre thanks giving m.r.i. is done, Thanks giving is done. I ate most of the food on the 3 plates that my dear and great friends made for me. I let it slip. I was goin for domino’s and Dallas for Thanksgiving.
I axe ya. Some of you have seen the “pipe stem sized guns’ i got going on here. They look appropriate for my size, they are cut, and they got (I’m thinking) EXCELLENT plumbing all through them.
You put a tourniquet around a bicep here? and you got just BIG veins.
Well? I’m beginning to believe: like boobs I’m convinced: Bigger aint necessarily better. M.R.I. girl drilled twice in the elbow an came up dry. She ended up “knuckle stuffing” my right back of hand. That sucked too. I was so grinched out about being the pin cushion that i wasnt able enjoy the RUSH i get when the dye hits. Alot of people i understand don’t like it, or may be allergic to it. Not me. I have scared techs who haven’t completed the push yet. “whoooaaa”… then they ask me if i felt it already. I am NOT frivolous with my whoaaa’s ok? If you’re gettin a “whhhooaa”? you’ve done something.
So back in the cage i went. She woke me when we were done.
Now, i had to ‘fast’ before i went in. Hmm.. i may have mentioned that. so I’ll fast forward: She got me vertical, and my gyro wasn’t even close to ready for that. So i flopped back down and sent her scurrying for something wet and with sugar in it. She even found a cold one. Once i had steam, we got under weigh once again.
I guess this place has had a bit of a problem, or a situation, or may hap the odd lawsuit. The mighty mouse intern just “fisted” up all the material of my shirt and   guided me left and right down the hall and out the door, with a gentle shove once we hit the main door. I swear. Someone else must have fallen out or wobbled into something. she WASN’T going to let that happen. I’ve been axed to leave bars alot gentler than she was marching me.
Of course the holiday is in the way of me finding out of there is any brain between these ears, or what shape it might be in. This will be the first look anyone has taken since like about 05.

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